How Our Family Coped After My Husband Died

It was excruciating. Overwhelming. The more people we were with, and the more “normal” the holiday was, the larger his permanent absence loomed. The weeks of November and December annually and automatically summon the echoes of holidays past, and the stress literally made each of us fall sick, with a trip to the emergency room for my daughter to boot.

Why, I wondered, had the atypical first year been manageable, while the second season was such a colossal failure?

The answer wasn’t such a mystery. If the real point of the holiday season is gratitude for blessings and intentional time with the people we love most in the world, then that’s where the focus should stay.

Nontraditional though it had been, our first holiday season contained nothing but laser-sharp attention to what matters most: each other.

So, we decided from that point on to just skip the holidays indefinitely — but not the time together as a family. Our tribe had suffered a massive blow, yes, but three strands still make a strong tether.

Year by year, we added in the activities that felt right while ignoring everything — and everyone — else.

Sometimes we’ve traveled, one year to whale watch on Mexico’s sunny beaches and one year to a mountain cabin, where we relaxed in a hot tub surrounded by snow drifts. Other times, we’ve stayed home to watch the Westminster dog show and hand roll my great-great-grandmother’s scratch-made noodles.

I converted all our home movies to digital files, and we spent one season watching the hours of our shared history play on the screen, stopping regularly to fill in more details, shed tears or laugh so hard we couldn’t breathe.

That year, my new son-in-law was able to “meet” his absent father-in-law through these video memories, a connection that benefitted all of us both in the present and on into the future. Our family shrunk, but the circle widened all the same.

Even among close families, we were always exceptionally close. Family was always a priority, but Kai’s death underscored that family is THE priority. Skipping the holidays doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate our family in our own way. For us, that means we say no to the expectations of others, whether of well-meaning loved ones or a commercialized, ad-driven society.

We’ll never celebrate a “typical” holiday season again. Maybe this year, we’ll order a barbecue platter or stage a Skee-Ball showdown at an arcade bar. Maybe we’ll travel somewhere or just stay home in pajamas.

All I know for sure is that we’ll be together. And, in our shared memories, for the rest of our holiday seasons together, Kai will be with us, too.